Why I stay with you
by FieldOfEternalSnow
Summary: Why does Iruka put up with Kakashi? Male love and a bit AU


**Don't own it and never will.**

_.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x._

"Why do you stay with him?"

That's what my friends always ask me. After I've told them about the newest mean or selfish act that you have done. They wonder why such a nice person like me puts up with you. Because they think I deserve so much better. They don't understand how you can treat me so badly even in front of other people.

_'Why do I stay with you?'_

Is what I'm thinking right now as we walk home from the gathering at Asuma's house. My eyes follow your back as you walk ahead of me in the snow. I could think of many other ways I would have liked to spend the evening. It's not that I don't like to spend time with you and your friends. It's not that I don't like your friends either, they're always quite nice to me. It's just that I feel like you only invite me to come because you feel obligated to as my boyfriend rather than the fact that you actually want me to come. Probably because you hate it when I'm all "anti-social and lazying about" as you put it. Why is it so bad that I'm quite content to stay at home and read a book instead of going out and that I feel better having a few good friends instead of a large group of people I only partly know.

I put my freezing hands as deep into my pockets as I can and huddle up inside my jacket. I feel like my fingers could fall of any moment now. I know it's not your fault that I didn't dress warmer but it certainly didn't make the evening any better. I froze my ass off walking to Asuma's place, you ignored me the whole way listening to your music player. It wasn't until we met Genma half way that you took the headphones out of your ears and then you only spoke to him for the rest of the walk. Genma payed more attention to me in those ten minutes than you had done for the whole day. You usually keep to yourself, we're living together but sometimes I feel like I live alone.

When we finally got to Asuma's I spent most part of the evening feeling completely out of place and insignificant. You're all so at ease with each other, your all Jounin and interact and hang out almost every day and I really don't fit in there. When you talk about Jutsus I've never even heard of or complex techniques I feel like you aren't even speaking the same language as me.

Naturally you don't pay me any more attention than you did on the way here. I watch you laugh and have fun with your friends from my quiet little corner of awkwardness, occasionally talking to people as they pass my way or come up to me. I find out things you should have told me when your friends mention them to me, I hate it when that happens. I look so dumb as they remark "Oh he didn't tell you?" or "Didn't you know". I casually brush it of and jokingly say that you never tell me anything but deep down I'm hurt, because it's true.. you really do never tell me anything.. and you always get hugely annoyed if I ask you about stuff. I can't even ask you what you are up to in a casual manner because then I'm just being noisy and invading your privacy.

So why do I stay with you? You're back looks so far away and unapproachable as you trudge ahead of me in the snow. Is it just because we've been together for a couple of years and it would be a hassle to break up, because we are comfortable the way we are. Are we just in denial and clinging to something that died a long time ago. Sometimes I wonder if I really would be better off without you. I huddle closer into my jacket sticking my chin into the collar, it makes me unable to look ahead so I just follow your footsteps in the snow. I feel like that's all I'm doing these days.. following blindly in your footsteps. You're always saying I'm not this or I'm not that, making me strive so hard to be better at those things that I sometimes feel like I lost myself along the way.

Suddenly I almost bump into you. I look up and my breath catches in my throat. You look so beautiful illuminated in the street lamp light, the snow falling around you and the darkness surrounding us a few feet away only makes the image even more breathtaking. It takes me a moment to realize it but then I look at your outstretched hand and with my numb fingers I take the gloves you're handing me. As I put them on you take one of the earpieces from your headphones out of your ear and put it in mine, changing the music from one of those hard rock bands I never know how you can listen to into something more to my liking. Then you take my hand and hold it while keeping your now bare hands inside your pockets, making me walk closer to you than I would have if you were just holding it regularly.

And then I realize. This is why I stay with you. You drive me up the wall with selfish acts and coldness but then you do something like this, putting my needs in front of your own, and I realize you actually do care more about me than I give you credit for. You've just been alone so long that you don't really know how to think about anyone else but yourself, and yet you are still trying the best you can for me.

This is the side of you that I rarely tell my friends about, I'm always too busy complaining and thinking about the bad stuff.. how funny is that? When everything is going well and great you don't feel the need to talk about it but as soon as someone does something that bothers you you want the whole world to know. And because of that we ourselves focus so much on the bad stuff that we tend to overlook the good things people do for us.

_.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x._

"Why do you stay with him?"

My friends still sometimes ask me that when I'm complaining about you. But now I finally have an answer for them.

"Because he's not always like that." I say with a smile.


End file.
